Declining Mentors - When Guidance Offered Isn't The Right Fit

Mentoring is a crucial part of anyone's journey toward success, whether in their careers, entrepreneurial pursuits, or life. Teaching and learning are valuable benefits for both sides of these types of partnerships.

We all enter seasons where we need a little bit of extra help, and we can obtain it in one of two ways: 

• We ask for it proactively because someone may have some experience.

• Someone may seek us out because they heard we are looking for someone like them.

My story focuses on the latter.  Even though it's a far less common occurrence, there will be times when someone reaches out to help us, which can appear to be a blessing at first glance.

However, does a candidate mentor who reaches out to us considered self-qualified?  I will discuss a personal story below and talk about what happened. 

PLEASE NOTE: I've changed the names of everyone involved in this story to protect their identities. 

My Personal Story 

I was suddenly laid off from my day job the week before Christmas.  I had been frantically trying to recover from being blindsided by reaching out to many people and passing my newly updated resume through several business networks in the Portland area.  My resume caught the attention of several hiring managers, but it also caught the attention of someone who enjoyed mentoring people.

We'll call her *Krystal*. 

Krystal reached out to me, letting me know she was a former industrial engineer who enjoyed helping people build their business skills.  She saw on my resume that I was a lifelong learning student in my summary and contacted me via email.  She invited me to a business leaders meeting and sponsored my admission to the event. 

I walked into the event not knowing what to expect other than to find a person among a sea of business owners and leaders. I had only seen a portrait of her on LinkedIn, and from my experience as a photographer, I know that photos can be very misleading. 

Instead of sifting through the crowd, I decided to start conversations with several business owners. Eventually, she found me in a crowd and invited me to sit with her husband at the table. Before the conference began, they asked me a lot of personal and professional questions, which I answered. 

Before we knew it, the luncheon had begun, and the guest speakers were up to talk about some philanthropic initiatives in the Portland area. As I was watching the speaker, I caught a glimpse of her looking at me with the utmost disgust. My sixth sense was tingling, and I knew something was not right. 

After the speakers were done, we continued our conversation. Her demeanor changed dramatically as her husband stepped away to meet with some other people.

She abruptly stated, "You talk too much. You talk too much, and no one is going to want to hire you," with the most stone-cold face I had ever seen on a mentor. 

"Excuse me?" I attempted to clarify, disgusted in my head by her remark, but decided to put on my best poker face to date. 

She tried to cover up her abrupt remark by saying she was trying to help me.  The conversation became a blur from there as my amygdala hijack became more apparent. 

"No, no," I said after shaking my head. "I don't think this is for me," I said, reinforcing my spidey senses. 

"Wait, you said you're a lifelong learner, right?" she rebutted, trying to continue the conversation. 

"I am," I retorted, "…but I'm not your doormat. We're done here." 

I left the business conference with a modicum of composure, knowing I had just left what felt like a potentially toxic mentorship. Something in me knew that the setup wasn't justified, so I got out of there as fast as possible. 

When I returned home to sort out the mess mentally, I received an email from her.  She abjectly apologized for how she came off and asked for a second chance to be my mentor.  My girlfriend (now wife) read my email to advise me on how to reply and said I should ask another mentor of mine. 

After making rounds with some mentors, I emailed Krystal back, asking her what she would do better next time. 

Almost as if she flipped a switch again, she said that when she mentors people, she prefers to be blunt and upfront, and as someone with a knack for lifelong learning, I should appreciate that.  She asked if I wanted to come back in March. 

I. Rolled. My. Eyes. Hard. 

Something wasn't clicking, and I knew that it was time to put an end to it. 

I emailed back the following: 

Dear Krystal, 

As lifelong learners, we should be fully aware of the following truth:  Advice not asked for is criticism.   

As someone who was new to this business circle you invited me to, my perception of the situation is that you invited me into an initiation of verbal hazing of my flaws upfront instead of finding ways to bring each other valuable services.   

I have a series of mentors who are already available to tell me what I need to work on, and I don't need your snapshot of me to set the tone of the mentoring journey. 

Since you like it bluntly, I'm going to abide by your preferences and state it: This isn't going to work out.  There are mentors out there who are right for me, and you're not one of them.  I wish you the best. 

Respectfully, 

Forrest Baird 

I proceeded to block her on all social media and email fronts to prevent further amygdala hijacks. 

Hindsight Is 20:20 

This was one of the hardest declines I've ever had to execute.  As a student of lifelong learning, I enjoy reaching out to people.  It felt like the universe was throwing me a freebie when Krystal reached out to me, but it wasn't necessarily so. 

This is not to say I was perfect in any regard of the story. From her perspective, maybe I talked a little too much. Maybe she felt dominated in the conversation. Maybe I could have looked past this, accepted responsibility, and worked to find the diamond in the rough within this potential mentoring opportunity.  

However, when you live with a mindset of abundance, you know there are other people out there who can be amazing mentors. 

It's not feasible to reconcile every relationship that falls apart.  We will not be everyone's favorite - even Mother Teresa and Gandhi have enemies. 

Regardless, we must be careful with how we say no, but it is possible to say no and be in good standing with a rejected mentor.  If we do our due diligence and respectfully decline – if they don't like it, that's on them. 

Now you may be thinking - the way you declined her was harsh!  It was more blunt than usual, but I did it within a given context.  Let's review some criteria to consider as we decline mentorship and determine whether if I did justice in my instance: 

How To Decline Mentorship 

Let me be upfront - engaging in actions that involve rejecting another party is never fun, but giving negative feedback is necessary to redirect ourselves toward opportunities that are better for us.  This goes for both parties.   

Think about this briefly: If your brain didn't regulate your body temperature, would you still be alive? 

When declining mentorship, here are a few elements to consider: 

–1– Say No Upfront 

One of the worst things you can do is drag your feet when you know the mentorship is not right for you.  In the words of Keanu Reeves, "When someone rejects you, they're doing you a favor because they're not wasting your time".  Do yourself a favor and reject them tactfully.  This will help redirect them to finding the mentee that's right for them. 

–2– Let Them Know Why 

Along with letting them know upfront, you should be honest about why you declined their offer. 

You don't need to write an essay, but you should present a concise and clear reason for declining their mentorship offer, even if it's because you don't think your personality and theirs are a good match.

If they cannot accept that you declined their help, they are not worthwhile mentors to begin with.

–3– Be Civil, Unless They Don't Get It 

The goal is to decline tactfully.  However, there are times when they don't get it.  This could be because the potential mentor is very set in their ways or doesn't have high emotional intelligence. 

During my story, I offered her a chance to make it better, but she decided to stick to her guns. I had to read the context of the situation and decline in a way that they get—blunt and forward.

In general, being blunt should be a last resort.

–4– Be True To You 

Are you someone who gets along with everyone you encounter, or are you rough around the edges?  Use your authenticity to your advantage.  I've seen hundreds of instances where someone uses an inauthentic persona, which comes back to haunt them. 

–5– Remember There Are Options

It's easy to think that someone who reaches out to mentor you is a God-send, especially when they have a similar background. 

However, many resources exist to help you match yourself with mentors for personal development, business, spiritual, or life. Finding a professional accountability partner is a great step in the right direction if you're in a good position.

When you remember that there are options in this world, it becomes easier to say no to the things we feel are detrimental to us.

Mentoring Should Help Your Goals & Theirs 

It's important to use our judgment wisely when dealing with people who may want to help us. They may have good intentions, but if their actions rub you the wrong way, then it may be best to reconsider whether continuing the relationship will be mutually beneficial. When we consider who we want to learn from, there can be hundreds of people willing to offer at any time, even if it's not obvious at first.

We must consider our needs, the help offered, and whether the timing is right to engage in that mentorship. Only then can we potentially have a flourishing journey where both sides grow and achieve their goals.